Fairy Godmother Ellen
by Shelley and Nate brooks - Austin, Texas  

Our journey with Ellen began in the spring of 1993. My husband, Nate, and I were given Ellen’s phone number by some friends of ours who were working with another adoption attorney, but had heard wonderful things about her. We were getting very excited about the prospect of becoming parents and were delighted when Ellen answered her phone on a Sunday evening.  She was incredibly forthcoming and generous with her time and information. After an hour of life-changing conversation, we knew that we were ready to commit to an open adoption.

Our circumstances were somewhat unusual. We are an interracial couple (Nate’s African-American and I am Caucasian) and we hoped to adopt a biracial child. We learned early on that our desire for a biracial child would work to our advantage. Ellen was actually concerned that an expectant mother would choose us before we had done all the work she had planned for us!  Nate and I were  extremely motivated and got right to work reading books, watching videos and listening to audio tapes on open adoption and related issues. We composed a letter to prospective birth mothers that described us individually and as a couple and sent out almost 400 of them. We put together a photo scrapbook that conveyed a sense of our humor and home life, set up a nursery in gender-neutral Winnie the Pooh décor and waited for the right expectant mother to call. 

Ellen had been very specific about what we should look for and what we should avoid in an expectant mother.  Even after all these years, I still remember the checklist she gave us.  Thank goodness for the checklist, because when you want a baby more than you’ve ever wanted anything in your life, it’s extremely easy to overlook very important issues. 

One day we received a call from a young woman from Santa Cruz, California who was very excited after reading our letter. She was carrying a biracial child, but she had been diagnosed as bipolar and had taken meds through the early part of her pregnancy. With our checklist in mind and after careful consideration, Nate and I made the difficult decision to decline.

Happily, our decision to wait was the right one. I’ll always remember the day when our daughter’s birth mother, Eva, called us.  In 1993, Eva was a teenager living at home and her family supported the idea of adoption. She had medical insurance, she lived 4 hours north of us and she did not use drugs, alcohol or tobacco. Eva was the expectant mother we had been waiting for. Nate was out of town on business that day, but Eva and I spent nearly 2 hours on the phone. The next day, Nate came home and we were all on the phone together for another hour. The following day, Saturday, Nate and I grabbed our photo album and drove 4 hours to meet Eva and her mother at a restaurant. By the end of dinner, Eva and her mother were both comfortable with us and ready to commit to placing the baby with us.

We also made every effort to connect with Jasmine’s birth father, Ty, and his family.  Although Ty was amenable to meeting us and has occasionally visited Jasmine over the years, he was not prepared to maintain a close relationship with her. However, his parents, who Jasmine affectionately calls Grandma Gloria and Grandpa Tommie, are permanent fixtures in the extended family. Jasmine also has a very special bond with her brother, Mason. I will always be grateful to Mason’s mom, Julie, for keeping Jasmine in Mason’s life even though she is no longer with Ty.

In the whirlwind of the 3 months after we met Eva and her mother, we did everything Ellen instructed us to do. We spent many weekends together with Eva, in her home town or ours.  When she stayed with us, she slept in the nursery. It was very awkward at first. Eva was a shy teenager who lived in a small town. We were in our late 30s and lived in the Bay Area. Even in the most casual circumstances, making a connection with Eva and Ty would have been a challenge. But we were attempting to do much more. We were committed to an open adoption, which meant that we were constructing the foundation of a life-long relationship with our future child’s birth parents and their families. We knew that what we were doing would have a profound affect on all of our lives. We did the hard work of relationship building for Eva and Ty and their families, for us, and most importantly, for our child.

Over the course of the pregnancy, Eva and I spent lots of time together, especially during those 4-hour drives to and from her home town. Little by little, we really got to know each other. Early on September 2nd, 1993 the phone rang. Eva was in the hospital in labor.  We got to the hospital ASAP and, as previously agreed upon, sat in the waiting area.  At 12:40 pm, we heard the hospital operator page a doctor to Labor and Delivery (stat!) and a few minutes later heard a very loud cry. A little while later, we were able to go in and see our beautiful Jasmine. 

People are astonished when I tell them that we took Jasmine home from the hospital only 4 ½ months after the day we decided to adopt. Ellen will not waste your time or hers. She does thorough, deliberate screening of expectant mothers. There are never large amount of money being spent. Our total cost was about $5,000. 

I want to encourage anyone reading this to put your trust in Ellen.  My advice is to do everything she tells you to do and trust her when she shares her intuition and experience with you.  She is extremely competent and ethical and if you decide to work with her, you’ll receive the education of a lifetime.  Ellen will help you build a foundation that will allow you to have the best possible relationship with your child and his or her birth families.  

The friends who gave us Ellen’s phone number wound up in a vastly different situation. They got a call from a woman who had just given birth to her 3rd child and suddenly decided she wanted to place it. Their attorney told them to go for it. I know that Ellen would have been alerted by the sudden decision and advised a careful screening. Our friends had the baby for 3 months before the birth mom reclaimed. It was heart-breaking. Their attorney then matched them with another expectant mother who they helped support for several months. They were assured that, even though he couldn’t be located to relinquish his parental rights, the birth father would not obstruct the process. Nevertheless, he showed up at the hospital right after the baby was born and refused to allow the adoption. Our friends finally adopted a baby girl, but only after a long, emotionally and financially draining experience that ended in their divorce.

Our daughter’s birth mom, Eva, is now a 33-year-old RN, working as the charge nurse on the orthopedics floor of the local hospital. She is married to a wonderful man named Johnny and together they have 2 children. They own their own home and enjoy camping and all kinds of summer and winter sports. When Eva and I talk on the phone, we always end by saying “I love you”.

Sixteen years after we began this process, the relationships that we forged through our open adoption are thriving. Over the years, we have worked hard to maintain contact and we have ensured that our daughter gets to visit with her birth family members every year.  In fact, as the years go by, our relationships have deepened. Jasmine just returned from a 10-day vacation with Eva and Johnny and their 13-year-old son and 7-year-old daughter. They went camping and spent the 4th of July on the beach watching fireworks. Justin and Ashley adore their big sister and Jasmine is delighted with them.

I believe that being a child of open adoption has been a real gift for Jasmine. There has never been any confusion about it. She knows she is our daughter and she knows that she has an extended family that loves her, too.  She has pictures of both of her birth parents in her bedroom. Her friends seem to think it’s cool. I’m proud of the work we did to create the family network that our daughter treasures. And I’m grateful that we found Ellen, our Fairy Godmother, who educated, supported and guided us through the process.

Shelly and Nate