COUNSELING - HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?
By Ellen Roseman
When adoption counseling is recommended for an expectant mother and or father, there is often resistance. Many tell me they do not need or want counseling. For younger expectant mothers, they may feel a sense of shame in seeking counseling. For others, the feelings may be around the thought that only someone who is “crazy” would need to see a therapist. Some do not know that all counseling sessions are completely confidential.
A number of states have passed state laws requiring several hours with a licensed adoption counselor. Other states require what is called an “advisement” in which the expectant mother is advised of her rights and the state laws governing the adoption and relinquishment.
The adoptive family is responsible to pay the counseling costs. Any ethical adoption practitioner will always strongly encourage counseling. This can be prior to and after giving birth.
Counseling should be with what is called an “adoption literate” counselor. This means someone who is familiar with adoption issues such as grief and loss, shame, fear, openness, mythology, and other areas important in understanding this complex process.
Expectant mothers are always surprised by the amount of intense feelings and grief experienced after giving birth. On a regular basis, I hear: “Ellen told me the truth about this loss.” By dealing with grief and loss rather than burying the feelings, one will be better equipped to move forth with future goals and plans.
Counseling is also important because it helps not only prepare one for the reality of adoption placement, but can assist in clarifying feelings should there be a subliminal desire to parent. Even in very open adoptions, counseling is needed and helpful.
Ashley - felt she was not interested in much of an open adoption. She was locked into the myth that it would be more rather than less painful if she saw her child grow over time. She was willing to accept a couple of letters and pictures each year, but saw no need for actual visits. The adoption literate counselor helped her to understand the needs of the child she would be placing around identity formation and connection. At first, Ashely was reticent during a first and second visit, but soon realized her pain lessened rather than increased. She found this to be very surprising and was grateful she had had the counseling.
Mary Jane - as a 15 year old Mary Jane told me she thought counseling was “stupid.” I arranged for the adoptive mother to attend a couple of sessions with her to address topics of interest. They included her future goals, her relationship with the teen father, what openness might look like over the years, and the loss early in life of her father. After 3 sessions with the adoptive mother-to-be, she was comfortable talking to the counselor by herself .
Etura - told me she just “wanted to get on with her life quickly.” She didn’t want to bother with counseling, reading, open adoption, a hospital plan, or getting to know the adoptive parents well. She refused to cooperate in state mandated counseling sessions and after giving birth, quickly realized she could not place her precious baby for adoption. She called me to apologize saying how sorry she was not to have listened.
Katy - was a foster care teen who resisted counseling because she had been in counseling most of her life and did not trust that anyone would keep her conversations confidential. Once I reassured her that all her sessions would be confidential and that she could interview and choose her own counselor, she agreed to some limited adoption related counseling.
Janet - was a college graduate who was stable and had had what she described as an “ideal’ life. She wanted a very open adoption and read everything given to her. She sailed through the process minimizing the importance of emotional counseling. Because she had so much clarity about her decision, she didn’t expect to experience much grief. After giving birth, Janet sank into serious post partum depression . I referred her to a psychiatrist who prescribed an anti depressant. I also sent her to the well known “Grief Recovery Institute ” for intense grief counseling. She was surprised that she would require this, but was grateful saying it made a huge difference and was highly valuable. She said because she thought of herself as being highly functional, she would never need any counseling.
Megan - has suffered many losses in her life. When I shared with her the fact earlier losses would merge into the adoption placement, she agreed to counseling. She did not like the agency counselor assigned, so I helped her find someone who was more “user friendly” and compatible for her personality. Her counseling not only encompassed adoption issues, but many other losses experienced when younger. Counseling helped her to better prepare for the significant losses experienced in adoption and previously when she was younger.
Brittany - said she was a very private person who didn’t want anyone to know about her counseling. I reassured her it would be totally and completely confidential. She found it difficult to open up, so I advised her to concentrate on the nuts and bolts of the placement: her wishes around giving birth, her fears, the difficult birth father, her worries about an open adoption, and her family dealing with her unplanned pregnancy. This allowed her to discuss issues without feeling she had to discuss her most private issues and feelings.
Tanya - was raped and extremely resistant to any counseling whether it be adoption related or through the rape crisis center. Most rape victims feel terribly ashamed and are traumatized as a result. Tanya went to only one rape crisis session and said she could not go to any more. Six months after placing her baby daughter for adoption, she was in so much pain she agreed to seek both rape counseling and private counseling to help deal with the issues. She had not been sleeping at night and was having flashbacks of the rape. She was depressed and was unable to go to work every day. Eventually as she healed, she trained and joined the rape crisis center in her area counseling others. She has been able to maintain a loving open relationship with the adoptive family for the sake her of child conceived in rape. It hasn’t been easy, but she is slowly healing with the help of continued counseling.
I believe expectant mother counseling to be vital for an expectant parent.
This should be encouraged and supported before and after delivery.
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