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One can appeal to the adoptive familyıs sense of fairness if it known where they are living and can be contacted directly. I personally wonder how the child will feel about his/her adoptive parents when it is eventually discovered how the adoptive family treated the birth family which is an extension of herself. As someone who specializes in only the most open kinds of adoptions, which include not only letters and pictures, but videos and face-to-face visits over time, I believe these suggestions for birth parents will help them when screening. 1. Prepare a list of questions to ask prior to making the phone call. Ask if a home study is currently completed, length of marriage, ages, current health, previous marriages and children, religious preference, hobbies and interests, smoking and drinking habits, and thoughts on discipline and education for the child. Do their values and lifestyle match your own? 2. When interviewing, ask the adoptive family why they have chosen open adoption and what it means to them. Ask them what they have read about adoption, in particular, open adoption. Anyone pursuing open adoption should be able to tell you about books such as "Dear Birthmother," "The Third Choice," "Children of Open Adoption," or "The Open Adoption Experience." 3. Infertility Resolution. Ask the potential adoptive family about the journey through infertility and what they have done to resolve this loss. Anyone who has processed this grief and sadness will be able to tell you about it. A couple who say they experienced little pain around infertility , probably are not good candidates to adopt in a closed or open adoption. A couple or single who are controlling, fairly angry, or overly nervous may not be ready to honor an open agreement. Their parenting style is usually anxious and controlling. 4. Ask the adoptive family what adoption classes they have attended, whether they are members of "RESOLVE," or some other infertility group, and what have they done to become ready to adopt. 5. Ask if you can travel to their home for a weekend visit meeting their family and friends. It is important you meet prior to the babyıs birth. They are responsible for your travel expenses and should welcome the opportunity to show you the home atmosphere in which the child will be raised. If you live within a couple of hours of each other, several meetings and visits are suggested. 6. Ask for a copy of their home study and carefully read it. They will be able to secure a copy from their agency or social services. It will give full names, phone numbers, and address. All other pertinent background information will be included. Make sure the potential family has been fingerprinted. Ask to see their family photo albums and share yours as well. 7. Oregon has pioneered open adoption contracts which are court enforceable. In California, open adoption contracts are now legally enforceable. Ask to speak to an adoption attorney in the adoptive couples home state to find out the status of open adoption contracts should you desire to have one. 19 states are currently honoring these agreements. Whether a legal contract or not, make sure all agreements are in writing. Be clear about how often you want picture and letter updates----if not sure, ask for more rather than less. It is standard in the agreement I work on To receive pictures and letters 6-8 times a year, especially during key holidays. 8. Seek counseling to explore all options. Seek counseling to emotionally prepare for the reality of placing a baby for adoption. Seek counseling to prepare for the grief and loss issues. Seek a counselor who is qualified to help you with adoption issues and one who does not have a bias against open adoption. Seek counseling to look at the option of parenting vs. adoption. Not all women are meant to relinquish for adoption. Many young women I see Make excellent mother's and with support are able to parent. 9. Have an attorney or agency representative carefully explain what the legal procedures will entail. States vary, but in most it is illegal to sign away your rights earlier than 72 hours after birth. Legally, a birthfather is to be notified about adoption planning------a qualified adoption professional will be clear about this matter. 10. Look for the quality of "empathy" in the adoptive couple or single. Someone who is able to show genuine empathy for you during such a difficult time, will be able to extend that to the child during times of crisis. 11. Read and become educated about the adoption process making sure your decision is an "informed decision." Join a birthparent support group in your area to have added support. 12.
Make sure you have a hospital plan in writing to honor your wishes around
delivery and birth. It is important to spend some time with your baby.
You can only say "good bye" after you have said "hello."
Let this baby know it is loved and your decision has been carefully
and thoughtfully made. And remember, hospital time is your time and
does not belong to the Adoptive parents. The biggest regret I have heard
from birth mothers is feeling they did not have enough time with the
baby in the hospital when Adoptive parents were present. Certainly you
can extend an invitation to The prospective adoptive family to come
into the hospital for an hour or Two, but hospital time is your time.
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